this post was submitted on 13 Oct 2024
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The thing people don't understand about depression and money is that, if you throw firewood in a fireplace but there is no fire burning, or even a little spark do ignite it, the wood will just keep being wood. Money is like wood in a fireplace with no fire. You can have bilions and do everything you want but depression won't ever let the "fire burn". Depression suffering is very real.
That’s exactly why I quit caring to try. I achieved a few dreams and felt..nothing. No sense of pride or accomplishment after burning my life away with no time or energy to make friends for years at a time or enjoy the few things I can still enjoy.
I just wish I had the desire to make friends or keep them. Every step we take in this world requires other people, and yet the most exhausting thing in this world to me is company. I can’t have a career of any kind because the whole idea of doing a social dance makes me want to vomit. It just isn’t in me.
I’m not depressed, at least I don’t think I am. I don’t really feel sad.
I always wanted to be a musician and I recorded a lot of songs when I was younger. I got pretty good at it even, and then I just stopped one day because I stopped feeling sad. I never shared any of it really. I still play, I just don’t take it seriously or write any more. I want to, because I put so much of myself into it. When I listen to a record I love, all I can do after is dream about making something that someone would love that much, but even if I did I’d never put it out there.
I don’t even know why I typed this out. Your comment just opened me up I guess.
Fuck it. Here’s one of those songs I wrote a thousand years ago.
https://mega.nz/file/c0lkyZiT#MrSCD8ZCK_W5QmU5hekJrhhP-J3tGKUHvpAR748MQ10
There, now I’ve shared one.
"I’m not depressed, at least I don’t think I am. I don’t really feel sad."
Definitely sounds familiar to my experience a couple years before my depression diagnosis. I'm not saying that I think you're depressed, it definitely manifests differently from person to person. For me it feels like a really heavy blanket draped over my mind that holds me down from doing the things I want to, but I am very comfortable underneath that blanket.
Im going to check out your song when I have time later today. I hope you continue making music, we all need something to put ourselves into.
Edit: I just listened to the song, super heart felt and full of emotion. You've gotta make time to do more of that.