Selfhosted
A place to share alternatives to popular online services that can be self-hosted without giving up privacy or locking you into a service you don't control.
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XMPP is the best among the listed options, although ??? is not that far behind (or wouldn't be, I still can't find a mobile app, does anyone know one???). Good servers include Snikket, ejabberd and Prosody. It's also the best fit for a small and/or private installation because it's quite light (not lightweight like IRC, but still light), whereas Matrix is a nu-protocol and this quite hefty on resources, and honestly I have never seen benchmarks on what running a ??? service is like, not even for the official Docker container.
There are multiple good XMPP mobile apps for Android: https://joinjabber.org/docs/apps/
The story on iOS is somewhat less good right now, but Monal is ok and Movim works quite well as a PWA in Safari.