this post was submitted on 10 Feb 2024
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Is this called "Masking"?
I recently heard about "masking" and thought it was something everyone did.
I first heard that term here on Lemmy with regards to ADHD and man it's so weird that it never occurred to me that that was likely what I was doing and why almost every second of my existence feels like I'm trying to avoid getting caught for something. I think it's probably so ingrained now that the 'mask' is grafted on to me and I'll never be able to stop masking, it's just second nature, but it kind of feels a bit better to look at it as an explainable coping mechanism that I developed rather than living with the vague sense of being like an alien in disguise on a foreign planet. I also reckon that despite it being perhaps a shame that I've felt the need to mask, I don't think it's entirely irrational. It's undeniable that it's useful and helpful to be 'normal'.
There's a large discussion here and the answer will be different for everyone. What does masking cost to you? What do you gain by masking? Can you choose to mask just a little bit for a large return, or is it something that is going to wear you off long-term? Are you overestimating how much of a stigma you'll suffer for not masking in a given place?
Most people mask at least a little bit, and they probably should. There are plenty of times when I want to reply to someone by retorting something cruel, and doing that would probably be expressing my true self, but would that be useful or well deserved? Then again, if maintaining eye contact costs me a lot of effort, doing it 10+ hours a day is going to be brutal. My conclusion is masking the bare minimum with close family and friends, and coworkers I have to talk to daily when I'm not performing a social task that gives me responsibility over them (for example, if I'm reviewing their work). If it's a short exchange with someone I barely know when I'm not tired, or I'm talking with someone whose favor I need (such as negotiating a mortgage), I'm far more likely to put in more effort. As a general rule, the more time you have to spend with someone, the less you should mask. If you're neurodivergent and share plenty of time with some specific coworkers, getting them to understand that your natural way of expressing yourself is different to the majority of people should be required workplace accommodations.
For myself as I unpack and work with my masking I’ve found there’s a lot to be said about the intentionality of the process.
I’ve found a lot less stress and mental strain from conscious and deliberate crafting of masks than in previous times when masks developed ‘naturally’ or without the knowledge of my ASD. Those times when I knew that friend groups couldn’t cross streams because I was an entirely different person around different people.
I guess a way to put it is rather than having a bunch of separate masks to select from and put on I try now to have layers to put over my actual self. Like different parts of a scene on tracing paper that make a different picture depending on how you stack them. But still all the same pieces and the same face underneath.