this post was submitted on 15 Feb 2024
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This is somewhat closer to some historical ideas on sex and gender than our strict homo/hetero divide.
In the classical period manliness in sex was more about being the penetrator rather than who you were penetrating. Intercrucial sex as he describes was quite popular among the Greeks, I believe. "You're only gay if you take it" is an attitude that still exists in some places.
The insecure need to deny the "gayness" is quite childish and perpetuates damaging homophobia, but you can identify as a man, fuck men, and not identify as gay. Human sexual is broader than the boundaries any one culture tries to put on it.
Hopefully you are talking about a broader spectrum because this feels contradictory. Bordering the spectrum is not helpful. We striving for people to be more open. There isn't anything to be ashamed of suggesting you are gay, even if you only like a very specific subset. In most cases the avoidance to the word is not because it's too exclusive but because they are afraid of the label.
You shouldn't be ashamed, or shamed for your private life if it doesn't hurt people
If I've misunderstood your point, let me know.
No, for sure, definitely not. That shame - and the juvenile belief that being identified by others as gay is somehow damaging - is harmful. The insecure need to claim 'no homo' perpetuates homophobia. I wanted to state that clearly so my next point isn't misunderstood.
'Gay' is an identity that some people feel applies to them and others do not. Often when you hear, for example, public health officials talking about the '22-23 mpox outbreak, they used terms like 'men who have sex with men' - because men who identify as straight or primarily straight still occasionally have sex with men.
Similarly, plenty of people who identify as gay have sex or have had sex with the opposite gender. Among my gay friends gold star gays are a minority, but I'm 40 and suspect the numbers look different among younger folks. But that doesn't make them shamefully closeted bisexuals, as real as bi-erasure is.
These labels are not iron-clad descriptions of immutable fact, they're identities with fuzzy edges that only roughly describe how we see ourselves and how we want the world to see us.
It is possible to maintain a healthy, homophobia-free identity as a straight man, while still having sex with other men. It's definitely far less common in most parts of the US than a homophobia-laden gay man like Lindsey Graham. But identity is identity whereas behavior is behavior and the two aren't always linked in ways that fit our culture's expectations.