this post was submitted on 29 Jan 2026
343 points (99.4% liked)

Not The Onion

20728 readers
1172 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
[–] finalarbiter@lemmy.dbzer0.com 89 points 1 month ago (6 children)

Anderson said he had weapons in his bag, and inside the bag was a barbecue fork and a pizza cutter, according to the criminal complaint.

I need to know what the pizza cutter was for

[–] lemmylommy@lemmy.world 50 points 1 month ago

Gotta have a celebratory pizza after the heist.

[–] Wilco@lemmy.zip 16 points 1 month ago (1 children)

No. You dont want to know. The evils that men do with pizza cutters.

[–] echodot@feddit.uk 7 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (1 children)

the horrors must be mostly imaginary because my pizza cutter can barely cut pizza, what is the bluntness the point.

[–] Wilco@lemmy.zip 3 points 1 month ago

The horrors are beyond imaginary.

[–] blimthepixie@lemmy.dbzer0.com 16 points 1 month ago (2 children)

It's probably just because he's Italian 

[–] kn33@lemmy.world 4 points 1 month ago

The person worked at a pizza shop so multiple possible explanations

[–] lagoon8622@sh.itjust.works 2 points 1 month ago (2 children)

I'm sure by "pizza cutter" they mean a mezzaluna, so yes

[–] AnUnusualRelic@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago

I've never thought of using those for cutting pie, but I can see that it ought to work fairly well.

[–] AngryCommieKender@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago

That's basically what Pizza Hut uses rather than the wheel blades. Just a massive rocker knife.

[–] missingno@fedia.io 8 points 1 month ago (1 children)

It's how you cut through the prison bars, obviously.

[–] finalarbiter@lemmy.dbzer0.com 4 points 1 month ago

I was kind of imagining him trying to cut the link between handcuffs with it. Definitely the right tool for the job!

[–] deacon@lemmy.world 8 points 1 month ago

After breakout snack

[–] Bosht@lemmy.world 3 points 1 month ago

The fact that Anderson said it was a weapon is even more hilarious, like he's some dollar store ninja ready to kill people with a pizza cutter, lmfao.