Not The Onion

20535 readers

1739 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

Links to news stories from...
...credible sources, with...
...their original headlines, that...
...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago

MODERATORS

kescusay@lemmy.world

158

Hegseth says he’ll order random pizzas to throw off monitoring app (thehill.com)

submitted 13 hours ago by tonytins@pawb.social to c/nottheonion@lemmy.world

35 comments fedilink hide all child comments

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth jokingly said any surge in takeout deliveries to the Pentagon — a phenomenon that has accurately predicted the start of major geopolitical events — could be him ordering pizza “just to throw everybody off.”

Asked about the “Pentagon Pizza Report,” an account on X that tracks activity at local pizza joints near the U.S. military hub, Hegseth said he was aware of the account.

“I’ve thought of just ordering lots of pizza on random nights just to throw everybody off,” he said Sunday on Fox News. “Some Friday night when you see a bunch of Dominos orders, it might just be me on an app, throwing the whole system off so we keep everybody off balance. We look at every indicator.”

you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments

[–] ilinamorato@lemmy.world 18 points 13 hours ago (2 children)

And what is he going to do with all of those "diversion" pizzas?

Seems like that could be a good way to feed the hungry in DC: order a large and semirandom number of pizzas to the Pentagon every night, then distribute them to homeless shelters; on nights when you're planning or executing ops, just add to the order enough for your operation and pull them off of the pile before you redirect the rest to the shelters.

But the party of "lol your poor git gud" wouldn't dream of such a thing. More likely they'll toss them in the dumpster.

[–] XeroxCool@lemmy.world 6 points 10 hours ago (1 children)

Americans shouldn't starve in such a wealthy nation, but there's just not enough money here. Do not. Touch. The ~~defense~~ war budget. Such a shame, homeless veterans and all that

[–] ilinamorato@lemmy.world 3 points 9 hours ago

Loved the joke, and it gives me an idea that might actually make this work: rather than sending it to a random homeless shelter every day, send it to a veteran's shelter.

[–] tomiant@piefed.social 2 points 10 hours ago* (last edited 10 hours ago) (2 children)

That would do nothing to block the alleged information leak. You'd simply count the number of pizzas reaching homeless shelters instead, and if there's a lower than normal amount, you know we're gonna invade Iran. I mean, know it even harder.

[–] XeroxCool@lemmy.world 1 points 7 hours ago (1 children)

It's not to track via homeless shelters, the joke is that he's willing to waste food as Americans face food concerns.

[–] tomiant@piefed.social 2 points 3 hours ago

I know. And the joke is that it wouldn't work for other reasons.

[–] ilinamorato@lemmy.world 1 points 9 hours ago* (last edited 9 hours ago) (1 children)

If you pull some random amount off the stack every day and store it to pass along on the next day, and build up a rolling reserve before pulling from that reserve for invasion day, you could hide that tell pretty effectively.

[–] tomiant@piefed.social 2 points 3 hours ago* (last edited 3 hours ago)

This is precisely how it should be done and how it would never be done because of their abject incompetence, the absurdity of the whole idea aside. :)