this post was submitted on 12 Apr 2026
315 points (99.4% liked)

Not The Onion

21355 readers
2586 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, ableist, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
 

Muhoozi Kainerugaba, son of the President of Uganda and Commander of the Special Operations, said that they would cut off all diplomatic relations within 30 days if their problems were not resolved, by attempting to threaten Turkey.

Expressing his support for Israel, Kainerugaba stated that the Ugandan army was ready for an operation. He described Israel as "Holy Land" and expressed their ability to provide military support.

Kainerugaba expressed that he demands at least $1 billion from Turkey for a possible settlement, and also said that he wants the most beautiful woman in Turkey as a wife.

you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
[–] ivanafterall@lemmy.world 34 points 2 weeks ago (5 children)

Dear Turkey, I would also like a billion dollars and a wife? Please tell me it wasn't as simple as that all this time?

[–] teyrnon@sh.itjust.works 17 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

Just include proof of your status as a warlord of an area commanding billions in natural resources, along with two forms of ID.

[–] ivanafterall@lemmy.world 19 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

My yard does have a surprising number of trees.

[–] teyrnon@sh.itjust.works 5 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

I have big leaf aspen, quaking aspen, white aspen, maple, oak. Not in that order. Then witch hazel and black cherry, not the good kind, in the understory. Which are very small trees, a few pines, a couple of strong stands of all Pines, white pines, a little spruce but all the Pines in the deciduous forests are sickly and they die for no apparent reason. Also a couple of one off Burch and Beach, The Birches sickly, the beach is strong but not much of it.

[–] ivanafterall@lemmy.world 2 points 2 weeks ago

That sounds beautiful. I just moved in a few months ago and have no idea what I have, but I know part of the lot is forest overgrown with kudzu. I daren't venture in.

[–] daychilde@lemmy.world 4 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

If they're mature and you can find someone to illegally cut them down, /r/treelaw has taught me that you might actually have millions in damages :)

[–] ivanafterall@lemmy.world 4 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Did I mention I THINK there's crude oil and gold underneath the trees?

[–] daychilde@lemmy.world 4 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Ah well, no lawyer will touch that, then. Prepare to be invaded. 😰

[–] ivanafterall@lemmy.world 4 points 2 weeks ago

Eh, I'll take what I can get these days.

[–] ArcaneSlime@lemmy.dbzer0.com 5 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

No problem, I have GIMP installed.

[–] incompetent@programming.dev 2 points 2 weeks ago

I use Arch btw.

[–] teyrnon@sh.itjust.works 1 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

The only GIMP I am familiar with is the people I accuse of being Generally Important Maga Players?

[–] ArcaneSlime@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 points 2 weeks ago

Well you should download the GNU Image Manipulation Program instead.

[–] HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world 8 points 2 weeks ago

turkiye mention 🇹🇷 🇹🇷🦃 🇹🇷

[–] tiredofsametab@fedia.io 4 points 2 weeks ago

I'm cheaper! I'll do it for having my student loans paid off, my house paid off, and some spending money; I don't even need the wife!

[–] WorldsDumbestMan@lemmy.today 4 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

No need for a wife, just the billion dollars will do. Or I will support Israel by upvoting posts.

[–] birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 2 weeks ago

I've standards, no thanks. If I had to choose between a billion for praising the anti-labour Israel, or nothing at all, then I'd rather the latter.

[–] Duke_Nukem_1990@feddit.org 3 points 2 weeks ago

I can help you with being a wife. Having one and also 1 cool bil has to be taken care off by someone else tho.