this post was submitted on 21 Sep 2024
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Greentext

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This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.

Be warned:

If you find yourself getting angry (or god forbid, agreeing) with something Anon has said, you might be doing it wrong.

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[–] sp3tr4l@lemmy.zip 217 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (109 children)

Actual autist here: Took me a loooong time to figure out a whole bunch of social concepts when it comes to what neurotypicals basically deem as small talk.

Firstly, you basically just have to accept that for most people, a level of classist, racist, other kinds of stereotypical insults are socially viewed as basically acceptable, even though its usually quite obvious they are, in fact, insults.

Then you have to understand the concept of proportionality in small talk. You have to reply with something that's very obviously and directly relevant, and of the same magnitude.

(Jumping from an insult about dietary preferences to an insult about war crimes is not the same magnitude)

Encapsulating this entire social interaction is the setting: coworkers of mixed nationality likely and an after work dinner likely implies an expectation of basically corporate social etiquette, ie, back handed compliments to establish a social dominance hierarchy, where the name of the game us getting as close to breaching the invisible 'wow what an asshole' line without actually stepping over it.

To avoid looking meek, docile, awkward or antisocial, you have to figure out an appropriate small talk style reply, which actually requires a fairly detailed knowledge of the other persons you are conversing with. Their culture, personal history, personal beliefs, etc.

If you don't do this at least semi-regularly, then you are a pushover who will be given higher workloads with no extra compensation and likely will not advance very far in your career, as you seem to be fine where you are.

So ok, if you know a bit about Israelis, you might attempt to insult back along the lines of dietary preferences.

But, its a faux pas to escalate even within this realm of responses: If you retort that you 'prefer your potatoes with pork', well, that's probably going to be viewed as quite rude, as that's still a higher magnitude, as it references something that is commonly known to be forbidden to most Israelis.

What might be a proportional response would be 'Sorry, I'd make them (the potatoes) into latkes for you, but I don't have any eggs'.

But that may still be deemed as overly offensive, depending on the temperament of the Israeli and the level to which the other coworkers feel the need to be defensive toward perceived anti-semitism.

So, as an autistic person, you have to consciously have all this knowledge and think through it all logically in real time, all while your actual emotion is anger because you don't give a fuck that the potato comment was supposed to be a joke, because it was in actuality a racist insult that actually references a fucking famine and a dietary stereotype that exists largely due to imperialist exploitation of your ancestors.

In summary, yeah small talk is an absolute nightmare for autistic people who are in an aggressive, hostile social environment, which, at least in my experience, is almost all of them.

[–] Letstakealook@lemm.ee 82 points 3 months ago (5 children)

I'm autistic and I've learned to stop trying to play this game. Instead, I just make assholes like this explain their sideways ass comments in a straightforward fashion for the group. Forcing people to explain bigoted comments and not allowing the subject to change has now made everyone uncomfortable. Not so fucking funny anymore. I usually don't have to do this more than once or twice within a specific group.

[–] sp3tr4l@lemmy.zip 24 points 3 months ago (2 children)

I also stopped playing 'the game' long ago and no longer put up with shitty people, but I can only do that because I'm on SSDI and don't have to interact with people in an employment setting.

Anon here is learning the hard way that basically, to advance in almost any modern, monetarily lucrative career, and most non lucrative ones, welp, you have to play this stupid social jockeying game because that is subconsciously how most others determine your worth as an employee, as a coworker.

You can do the 'explain why thats funny' angle, but that just makes ... you look like an asshole, a killjoy ... to the people whose jobs are their lives, their selves.

[–] Letstakealook@lemm.ee 21 points 3 months ago (1 children)

It has been working for me, and I've been getting promoted. I also tell the truth to executive leadership against advice. I just don't have the bandwidth to fully mask and complete the job I'm paid to do. I mask the essentials, but I'm not playing games. We have work to do.

[–] sp3tr4l@lemmy.zip 15 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Well damn, I am genuinely shocked that is working for you, but also very glad to hear that at least its working out well for you!

I had a job like that once.

[–] Letstakealook@lemm.ee 9 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Thank you! It took a long time, and there have been challenges, but things are moving in the right direction.

[–] Taalnazi@lemmy.world 3 points 3 months ago (1 children)
[–] psud@aussie.zone 3 points 3 months ago

Google says social security disability insurance

[–] olafurp@lemmy.world 13 points 3 months ago (5 children)

Also autistic here. Let's say you reply with "So why is that funny" and that person or a third person says "Don't be so sensetive". What's the best way to force the explanation?

[–] Restaldt@lemmy.world 21 points 3 months ago

"Im not trying to be overly sensitive i genuinely just dont get the joke. Explain it to me. Make it funny."

[–] Skates@feddit.nl 6 points 3 months ago (1 children)
[–] intensely_human@lemm.ee 6 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Violence is the best way to force anything. As soon as one’s strategy has devolved to forcing people into things, it’s best to just be authentic about it and own the violence.

[–] aStonedSanta@lemm.ee 4 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Please don’t assume my sensitivities. And then proceed to push again.

[–] intensely_human@lemm.ee 1 points 3 months ago

I just say it’s either funny or it isn’t.

Humor is an authentication mechanism. It’s either funny or it isn’t, and that binary signal is the whole point of humor. It’s an indicator people are on the same page or they aren’t.

I’m not kidding. Humor is a test. You don’t ask “why wasn’t that password the right one?”. The password was either a match or it wasn’t.

Once you understand the social function of humor, the question “why is that funny?” becomes bunk.

[–] psud@aussie.zone 2 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

"I'm sorry, please carry on with your racist jokes"

No need for sarcasm, deadpan works fine

[–] acockworkorange@mander.xyz 2 points 2 months ago

TBH that’s a great advice for anyone dealing with assholes, autistic or otherwise.

[–] thermal_shock@lemmy.world 1 points 3 months ago

we'd get along well

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