this post was submitted on 17 Apr 2026
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I've never really understood gaslighting.
Yes I know the original definition.
Yes I know the phrase is overused to describe behaviour it really doesn't apply to.
I just cant imagine someone actually planning to manipulate someone in this way.
So my father did it, and I don't think it was intentional, the big thing was that his perspective was to be treated as objective fact in discussions in which he was a part. You could say something like "I'm cold" and he'd respond with "it's not cold" in a frustrated tone. The long and short of it in how it fucked me up is that I struggle to trust my own subjective reality and feel the need to get permission to feel things. That can be a real problem when it comes time to form and maintain boundaries for example.
Interesting.
That particular example is often a subject of discussion in our house.
The preface is, im absolutely aware that an individuals experience is what matters, rather than my perspective. For example, if a 10 year old child says they're very worried about a truck they left at the park, its not helpful or relevant that my own stresses and concerns are more impactful - like I lost my job and cant pay the mortgage, what matters is that the child is distressed.
That said, my partner and I often bicker about whether "it's cold".
We have twins, who are toddlers. Shes from the "fully dressed in warm clothes at all times" school of parenting, while my approach is... less prescriptive.
Obviously if a child told me they're cold i wouldnt simply tell them that its not cold, but give them some warmer clothes.
Another point of contention in our house is the heater. We live in a temperate climate and the cost of heating is a significant component of the household budget.
My partner tends to run the heater more often than I would, but often times shes wearing a thin nightgown. Not surprisingly, the accepted approach in most households is to put on more clothes if you're feeling cold, but of course you can turn on the heater if you're still cold.
Im really just trying to figure out whether I am in fact a gasslighting asshole, given your example 😆
I suppose a disagreement around use of a heater is not at all the same as telling someone whether "its cold".
Yeah, I feel like a lot of people think of gaslighting as if it were intentional, but when I have encountered gaslighting, it has usually come from people who have a different view of events and are unwilling to accept that their viewpoint isn't the absolute truth of the situation.
They will argue from the viewpoint of "the way I remember things is the way things happened".
Then when you say that they are gaslighting you, they will say that they are not.
In their mind, they're just telling the truth of events as they remember them, no malice intended.
My partner's mother gaslights a lot. Think about scenario: She does something wrong, she backs off from situation for a few days to allow memories to wane a bit, then grabs the weakest link and starts bending the truth to paint herself in a bit better light at worst, and at best, shift whole fault on another person. She focuses on small, easily misremembered parts of story, and if you call her bullshit, she will accuse you of either not remembering or twisting it against her.
And she did that to my partner for their whole childhood and now my partner fights depression and lack of feeling of self worth. Also reacts to "I remember it differently" with aggression, which bites me in the ass but at least shields her from her mother.
I grew up with another gaslighter, my granny, who reframed and twisted everything to be my mothers fault and if she tried to defend then it was her remembering wrong, "not seeing such simple stuff" or being against granny. She did so with malice and ruined my mothers mental health. Same with her (granny's) husband, who literally hanged himself.
Both cases were narcissistic but I can see someone using it out of other reasons.
Gaslighting includes the intention to mislead, leading to another person doubting their own reality. It's a real thing some people do. When you're experiencing it, you're forced into cognitive dissonance as the reality you experience doesn't line up with what another person claims.
That's what gives nuance to the concept. Not all lies are gaslighting. Misremembering isn't gaslighting. It requires a denial of reality that leads to another person second-guessing their own experiences. Gaslighting rarely occurs as a one-off event, it's part of a recurring campaign that slowly changes how a victim perceives their own reality.
It's okay to have difficulty imagining it. In fact I'd say you've been fortunate not to be exposed to it. Just be aware of it in case you ever find yourself in a relationship where it applies.