this post was submitted on 14 Nov 2024
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Here’s Why I Decided To Buy ‘InfoWars’ By Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO ☞ https://theonion.com/heres-why-i-decided-to-buy-infowars/

And let me say, I really do see it as a family. Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of the market. And just like family members, our brands regard one another with mutual suspicion and malice.

🤣

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[–] zarkanian@sh.itjust.works 282 points 6 days ago (1 children)

My favorite part of this:

...Collins said that “part of the reason we did bought InfoWars is because people on Bluesky told us it would be funny to buy InfoWars” adding that “those people were right” this “is the funniest thing that has ever happened”.

[–] dejected_warp_core@lemmy.world 114 points 6 days ago

That also sounds like the kind of prank that Cards Against Humanity would pull if they had access to as much cash. I love this so much.

[–] chiliedogg@lemmy.world 223 points 6 days ago (5 children)

They should harness the crazy for good. Make conspiracy theory-sounding stories, but make them factual and get people to take positive action.

"They created chemicals you can inject into the bloodstream that keeps them from getting the Measels."

"The overlords in their golden towers want to tell you who you are and aren't allowed to love."

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 89 points 6 days ago (2 children)

The vaccine one would probably be better as: “independent thinking researchers developed a means of using your own body’s immune response to prevent diseases with a mere injection. Some of them even refused to patent it. But then the media started lying to you about them, trying to get you to stop accepting these miracles? Why, just so some companies could make more money selling you proprietary snake oil to keep you comfortable while you’re sick.”

[–] hogmomma@lemmy.world 46 points 6 days ago (1 children)

Coming from a reformed conspiracy theorist, that was frighteningly good.

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 31 points 6 days ago (2 children)

Thanks! The trick is to understand the emotions they aim for and the baseline rhetorical tricks.

Conspiracies stem from knowing you’re getting fucked, but that most people are good. It’s an attempt to find explanations when the world feels wrong. Someone did it. You just have to sell the truth in the tone that they’re used to hearing. Especially with vaccines where the truth does sound like a free lunch, until you realize that it’s governments and insurers paying for vaccines and it saves them and the economy money by you not getting sick or needing stronger medicines. These are the two groups that desperately want you to exercise, eat right, and quit smoking

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[–] latenightnoir@lemmy.world 250 points 6 days ago (1 children)

Honestly, considering how much of a clown Alex Jones was, they have their work cut out for them if they want to compete at comedic levels!

Either way, this may be the best news I've heard all year, thank you!

[–] hamsterkill@lemmy.sdf.org 126 points 6 days ago (6 children)

I wonder if this gives them the rights to all of Infowars' library of footage. Maybe they could "keep" Jones as a host by cutting up old clips kinda how South Park did with Isaac Hayes for Chef's last episode.

[–] Joeffect@lemmy.world 70 points 6 days ago (3 children)

Up for grabs at the auction were Infowars production rights and materials, the Infowars store, domain names, production equipment and other assets — including a Terradyne armored truck and a Winnebago motor home — that can be purchased in their entirety or in parts, according to the firm, ThreeSixty Asset Advisors. Jones broadcasts from the Austin, Texas, area.

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[–] zephorah@lemm.ee 158 points 6 days ago (5 children)

The funniest piece is going to be seeing old followers believe it’s still the InfoWars they know and love. It took forever for people to stop eating the onion in large numbers, and it still manages to happen on occasion.

There is opportunity here. Initially, anyway.

[–] dejected_warp_core@lemmy.world 72 points 6 days ago (1 children)

I think there's always going to be that group of people. Another example: folks that didn't notice that The Colbert Report was satire.

[–] Today@lemmy.world 27 points 6 days ago (1 children)

I thought Glenn Beck was satire. Watched it several times and then one day .. wait, that's not a joke?

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[–] CosmicTurtle0@lemmy.dbzer0.com 66 points 6 days ago (3 children)

A part of me actually wished that the Onion would have purchased InfoWars, but in secret, like maybe under a subsidiary corp that has a right-wing sounding name.

They don't change Infowars' branding or anything but the articles become subtly liberal.

Maybe an overt purchase is better but I really want to troll the right.

[–] GladiusB@lemmy.world 29 points 6 days ago

"Do your swastikas send the right message to your neighbors? Maybe try this instead..."

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[–] Alexstarfire@lemmy.world 144 points 6 days ago (1 children)

This was not on my bingo card.

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[–] PanArab@lemm.ee 120 points 6 days ago* (last edited 6 days ago) (3 children)

Info Wars might actually become credible

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[–] postmateDumbass@lemmy.world 32 points 5 days ago

The Onion's first headline needs to be:

"Oh Shit! It's ALL true!"

[–] JoYo@lemmy.ml 76 points 6 days ago (4 children)
[–] 9point6@lemmy.world 27 points 6 days ago (2 children)

"Tim onion" got an irl lol out of me

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[–] JoYo@lemmy.ml 70 points 6 days ago

Through it all, InfoWars has shown an unswerving commitment to manufacturing anger and radicalizing the most vulnerable members of society—values that resonate deeply with all of us at Global Tetrahedron.

[–] eugenevdebs@lemmy.dbzer0.com 53 points 6 days ago

Fucking awesome. Onion has been hitting it hard lately, and this is just the cherry on top. I am hopeful this makes some chuds question their minds.

[–] Voroxpete@sh.itjust.works 68 points 6 days ago (9 children)

I genuinely don't know how they plan to make a parody of InfoWars that will not be indistinguishable from the original thing.

[–] EleventhHour@lemmy.world 31 points 6 days ago (1 children)

They’re very, very good at it

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[–] roofuskit@lemmy.world 46 points 6 days ago (3 children)

Will anyone visiting know the difference?

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[–] Aeri@lemmy.world 48 points 6 days ago (1 children)

Counterpoint, it was already stupid.

[–] Godnroc@lemmy.world 43 points 6 days ago

Yes, but this time it will be on purpose.

[–] mo_lave@reddthat.com 45 points 6 days ago (1 children)

Is it The Onion? Or Not the Onion?

Yes

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[–] dejected_warp_core@lemmy.world 50 points 6 days ago (11 children)

For me, the cherry on top is how the "InfoWars" name is still completely apt, for completely different reasons.

[–] Duamerthrax@lemmy.world 25 points 6 days ago (1 children)

Reformatting InfoWars as a serious, unironic branch of the Onion that deals with misinformation would just be great.

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[–] qyron@sopuli.xyz 50 points 6 days ago (9 children)

This is what I call a master class on starting a soft revolution: you take over a symbol of the opposite ideology, in the most outrageous and ridiculous way, make it known to all, and completely subvert it and deconstruct it, piece by piece, until it stops making any sense to its former self.

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[–] Melatonin@lemmy.dbzer0.com 23 points 6 days ago (9 children)

Remember Stephen Colbert's satire? Conservatives loved him.

Satire of something already completely outlandish is problematic.

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[–] billiam0202@lemmy.world 54 points 6 days ago

very funny, very stupid

Well, their work is half done already!

[–] noodlejetski@lemm.ee 54 points 6 days ago (1 children)

truly the wildest of timelines

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[–] Freefall@lemmy.world 19 points 6 days ago

LoL, AJ lost the Info War. 🤣👍

Its also exactly the kind of thing you'd expect to read about in the onion.

This is beyond mear irony.

[–] poleslav@lemmy.world 37 points 6 days ago (4 children)

Saw the news on their YouTube. Looked it up thinking it was satire and sure as shit it’s not. Probably the fastest I’ve ever purchased merch ever. Gonna love wearing my onion shirt, always loved them but this was the point I needed to send them some money because this is hilarious.

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[–] zbyte64@awful.systems 2 points 3 days ago

Musk just had a judge in Texas say they're going to review the bid. I guess we know who the other bidder was now.

[–] masquenox@lemmy.world 31 points 6 days ago (4 children)

They should send Alex Jones a $1 "royalty" check every month - just so that he doesn't forget it.

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[–] Rivalarrival@lemmy.today 11 points 5 days ago

The Onion buys rightwing conspiracy theory site Infowars with plans to make it ‘very funny, very stupid’

They're halfway there already.

[–] JoYo@lemmy.ml 31 points 6 days ago

im sorry but the owner's name is tim onion. please publish a correction.

[–] comfy@lemmy.ml 19 points 6 days ago
[–] gmtom@lemmy.world 13 points 6 days ago (2 children)

Do they have rights to use Jones' likeness, in the sense of reposting old clips and the like?

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[–] overload@sopuli.xyz 27 points 6 days ago

Finally some good news!

[–] Masamune@lemmy.world 10 points 5 days ago

This should be good...

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