this post was submitted on 10 Sep 2025
392 points (98.3% liked)

Not The Onion

17982 readers
1397 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
top 25 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] merdaverse@lemmy.zip 1 points 6 minutes ago

Those witches could make a fortune with a time limited discount for hexes on Trump

[–] Wytch@lemmy.zip 27 points 5 hours ago (2 children)

So, did my Etsy curses work? Time will tell. The forces move in mysterious ways, and as the Priestess reminded me, “Spellwork is a collaboration between the caster, the client, and the universe itself.” For now, we can only trust in the timing of the great unknown.

The Universe says, "hold my beer."

[–] 9blb@feddit.org 1 points 11 minutes ago

By Wednesday, I checked Charlie’s socials to see if he was spouting anything new.

He sure was spouting blood from his neck.

[–] Venus_Ziegenfalle@feddit.org 8 points 5 hours ago (1 children)

The great unknown has a sense of humor it seems

[–] lordbritishbusiness@lemmy.world 2 points 35 minutes ago

It's particularly fond of irony I find.

[–] habitualcynic@lemmy.world 7 points 4 hours ago

How ~~do I~~ can my friend contact them?

[–] moody@lemmings.world 25 points 7 hours ago

If anyone deserves a tip for exceptional service, it's those Etsy witches.

[–] oxysis@lemmy.blahaj.zone 73 points 11 hours ago (3 children)

I am getting so many uses out of this meme today

[–] Okokimup@lemmy.world 19 points 9 hours ago

In 2020 there was a worldwide pagan ritual on Halloween (in which I participated) to bind Trump in order to prevent his election. Biden won. In 2024, there was no collective ritual and we know how that turned out. I don't actually believe in magic, but at this point, I'm happy to hedge(witch) my bets.

[–] stinky@redlemmy.com 2 points 9 hours ago (1 children)

I keep seeing you post it and I don't know how it applies to Charlie Kirk

[–] davidgro@lemmy.world 1 points 2 hours ago

It applies to Etsy witches

[–] SaltSong@startrek.website 10 points 7 hours ago

Well, that's customer satisfaction.

[–] tidderuuf@lemmy.world 83 points 11 hours ago (1 children)

Wow, that is impeccable timing.

[–] givesomefucks@lemmy.world 43 points 10 hours ago (4 children)

47 hours and 21 minutes before he was shot....

Sounds like they got the intensity off a little tho:

I want to make it clear, I’m not calling on dark forces to cause him harm. I just want him to wake up every morning with an inexplicable zit. I want his podcast microphone to malfunction every time he hits record. I want his blue blazers to suddenly all be one size too small. I want one of his socks to always be sliding down his foot. I want his thumb to grow too big to tweet. To ruin his day with the collective feminist power of the Etsy coven would be my life’s greatest joy.

Maybe they forgot Venus was in retrograde?

[–] Riftinducer@aussie.zone 1 points 58 minutes ago

It's that "ruin his day with the collective feminist power of the Etsy coven" line that gets me. Talk about undersell, overdeliver

[–] ctry21@sh.itjust.works 36 points 10 hours ago (1 children)

They did pay for the "shit your pants" spell, and that does happen shortly after death...so in a roundabout monkey's paw sort of way I guess that one worked

[–] FaceDeer@fedia.io 14 points 7 hours ago

There were so many "minor bad thing happens" spells on him that the cosmos combined them all for ease of bookkeeping.

[–] you_are_dust@lemmy.world 12 points 9 hours ago

I guess you don't get to make specific demands when you start calling on the forces of darkness.

[–] makyo@lemmy.world 4 points 9 hours ago

Maybe they got confused by an exponent or a measurement conversion

[–] Nougat@fedia.io 51 points 10 hours ago

Thank you for your service, Etsy Witches.

[–] mcbenavides85@piefed.social 33 points 11 hours ago

Let’s raise more money for witches!

[–] tkk13909@sopuli.xyz 14 points 10 hours ago

Fucking hell this just gets better:40801

[–] Bot@sub.community 2 points 8 hours ago

Kickstart 'Curse Charlie KirK'

[–] skhayfa@lemmy.world 6 points 10 hours ago

Who else is in their cursor?