this post was submitted on 30 Jul 2024

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Greentext

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This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.

Be warned:

Anon is often crazy.
Anon is often depressed.
Anon frequently shares thoughts that are immature, offensive, or incomprehensible.

If you find yourself getting angry (or god forbid, agreeing) with something Anon has said, you might be doing it wrong.

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Anon is a true romantic (lemmy.world)

submitted 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) by MrJameGumb@lemmy.world to c/greentext@sh.itjust.works

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[–] SkaveRat@discuss.tchncs.de 291 points 3 months ago (24 children)

Ive had a crush on you for a while

Good start

Are you down ...

hmm

to get barebacked

aaaand derailed

[–] spicytuna62@lemmy.world 216 points 3 months ago (5 children)

Hell, even "are you down..." isn't bad. Suggested finishers:

...to get coffee?
...for a movie night?
...for lunch/dinner?
...to hang out and chat at the park?
...to meet at the library for a quick game of Cones of Dunshire?

Basically anything but that.

[–] Buddahriffic@lemmy.world 127 points 3 months ago (2 children)

... with the sickness? Ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah!

[–] originalfrozenbanana@lemm.ee 16 points 3 months ago

Damnit now I wanna smash

Sad ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah

[–] funkless_eck@sh.itjust.works 11 points 3 months ago

you don't even get to finish the last ah before she weds you

[–] VaalaVasaVarde@sopuli.xyz 54 points 3 months ago (3 children)

What about

...to build my Rivendell Lego set?
...to play some Goldeneye?
...to paint my Skaven army?

[–] spicytuna62@lemmy.world 47 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Who knows? Maybe she's down...

...to lay waste to the city of Carthage for the glory of the Empire.
...to slay King Harold, forever changing the English language.
...for a brisk walk with the boys to the Atlantic Ocean...but first, a pit stop in Atlanta.

[–] png@discuss.tchncs.de 9 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

...to commit war crimes in Bosnia.

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[–] RightHandOfIkaros@lemmy.world 25 points 3 months ago

Save some women for the rest of us, sheesh

[–] DragonTypeWyvern@midwest.social 7 points 3 months ago (2 children)

If she says yes to the Skaven it's your duty as a proud Dawi to crush her skull lest she infiltrates the clan.

[–] Voroxpete@sh.itjust.works 4 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Dude, if she says yes to building a skaven army, you wife her immediately.

Trust me, I did.

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[–] RightHandOfIkaros@lemmy.world 33 points 3 months ago (1 children)

"Are you down...:

... To get barebacked? Haha jk... Unless? Haha sorry my cat typed that...

[–] joshoff@lemmynsfw.com 7 points 3 months ago

What a shame — I kinda love it

[–] Fermion@feddit.nl 25 points 3 months ago

You need to sweeten the pot with calzones if you expect anyone to play cones of dunshire as a first date.

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[–] MrJameGumb@lemmy.world 75 points 3 months ago (3 children)

I think the best part is that he asked almost like he was making a doctor's appointment lol "are you available at 3pm on Thursday for some dehumanizing unprotected sex with a smelly neckbeard? No? Would Friday work better?"

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[–] snooggums@midwest.social 32 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

...unless?

Although it was in person instead of text, I did hook up with someone I knew from highschool with basically the same direct approach. It helped that I knew she would find it funny.

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[–] imPastaSyndrome@lemm.ee 213 points 3 months ago (1 children)

>Wanna Get barebacked?

"Fuggin typical femenoids complaining "

MFW

@_@

[–] BearOfaTime@lemm.ee 84 points 3 months ago (1 children)

And a supposed adult at 21...

What went wrong is anon never grew up - he's still 13

[–] SkaveRat@discuss.tchncs.de 47 points 3 months ago (1 children)

being an incel will do that

[–] Shou@lemmy.world 6 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Being a woman hating imbicile will do that.

[–] boonhet@lemm.ee 7 points 3 months ago (7 children)

Incel pretty much already means that.

Cringe moment is that when I was like 16 or 17, I too, identified with being an incel - I mean, I WAS INvoluntarily CELibate. So I browsed their subreddit for a while.

I quickly realized that those were guys who were not just involuntarily celibate. They all hated women.

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[–] AVincentInSpace@pawb.social 5 points 3 months ago (3 children)

We already said incel

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[–] unexposedhazard@discuss.tchncs.de 80 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Anon got a reply, thats would have been a good start, but no... He had to be horny brained.

[–] Mammothmothman@lemmy.ca 44 points 3 months ago

Stewing your mind in the excrement of downbad incells and neets will do that.

[–] loaExMachina@sh.itjust.works 50 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Could in theory be saved later by "Sorry, this message was inappropriate, if it's any excuse I was drunk when I sent it." If feeling confident, could be followed by "The part about having a crush on you was true tho.".

[–] Tyr_Raidho_Othala@reddthat.com 28 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Could be saved by "Yeah, my dog chewed on my phone. He was the one who wrote the text message..."

[–] rbos@lemmy.ca 4 points 3 months ago

"The keys are right next to each other"

[–] ICastFist@programming.dev 4 points 3 months ago

"I was drunk with some friends and one of them sent that message from my phone, sorry!"

[–] amio@kbin.run 38 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Probably real and heterosexual

[–] ThrowawayPermanente@sh.itjust.works 21 points 3 months ago

Pray for my people, we have lost our way

[–] spiderman@ani.social 29 points 3 months ago

He had a chance until the 4channer in him took over in the middle.

[–] NigelFrobisher@aussie.zone 27 points 3 months ago

I don’t understand why a nice young man who uses “femoid” as a word can’t get a girlfriend. One of life’s little mysteries!

[–] therealjcdenton@lemmy.zip 23 points 3 months ago

Fake. How did he get her number in the first place?

[–] x00z@lemmy.world 23 points 3 months ago

Makes you wonder what the original plan was.

[–] nucleative@lemmy.world 20 points 3 months ago

The class clown kid from my high school (looked like a clown too) ended up with a smoking hot wife, seemingly way out of his league.

Around high school I can remember him asking and being rejected by just about every girl.

Only reason I can think of is he got so used to rejection that he was completely unphased to keep going and the numbers game eventually worked out for him.

Good on him and a lesson for the rest of us, lol.

[–] southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 16 points 3 months ago

This is why honesty is important.

Had anon faked his way through things and lied about his intentions, it would have been worse for both of them.

Yah, I know, it's fake, but there's an underlying truth that honesty is better for this kind of thing.

Yes, you will absolutely get shot down 99% of the time (and add .9 to that a lot to get closer to reality), but that's the entire point. You tell someone you want to fuck them, and they can choose based on their own needs and wants. When those align, awesome! Woot for fucking!

Now, should you be an absolute cretin about it? No. There's a difference between being honest and ignoring established social norms regarding language. Currently, asking if someone wants to get barebacked is considered rude, even if they're DTF. You ask with respect and manners. "Hi, random acquaintance, this is anon, I think you're attractive, and have for a long time. I would very much like to get together for sex, is that something you might be interested in too?"

Now, again, most of the time you'll be lucky to not get told to fuck yourself. But that's still better than faking other forms of interest to try and get sex.

And yes, I have actually asked someone that I already knew if they would be interested in at least a one time sexual encounter. And it worked one time. I've asked other people and it didn't work. Since I'm a fucking balding sasquatch in looks, and I was poor as fuck at the time, it wasn't some kind of artificial thing that incels like to blame for their failures.

Be real. Be up front. Be polite. But also be willing to accept the large amount of noes you'll get with aplomb.

[–] Kolanaki@yiffit.net 4 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

"I want to bareback you so bad..."

"What do you mean anon?"

"I mean I wanna ride you around the Grand Canyon without a saddle."

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