this post was submitted on 07 May 2025
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Greentext

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This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.

Be warned:

If you find yourself getting angry (or god forbid, agreeing) with something Anon has said, you might be doing it wrong.

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[–] assassinatedbyCIA@lemmy.world 27 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Please do it anon and make sure you film this great achievement.

[–] MeThisGuy@feddit.nl 5 points 1 day ago

just jump over the fence into the zoo enclosure with him, and you'll probably get your chance

[–] DigitalNeighbor@lemmy.world 25 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I think he's on to something... In these times of political and economical uncertainty, we should bring back ancient Rome colosseum style games. Modern fighters taking on wild animals for glory. Give the masses something to get excited about.

Let the man get himself dismembered by a gorilla as part of a bigger event with deadly races and feats of human strength.

[–] peaceful_world_view@lemmy.world 6 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Sounds like an average minimum wage jog tbh.

[–] PyroNeurosis@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 19 hours ago

Damn. I coulda gotten paid to run.

Here I am doing it for free like a chump.

[–] SynopsisTantilize@lemm.ee 13 points 1 day ago

All ya doubters sound like Joe Rogan on a chimp rant right now. Gorilla glazers....

[–] nthavoc@lemmy.today 32 points 2 days ago

Mike Tyson was going to fight a gorilla in his prime. The zoo keepers denied his request. While he can punch a hole in a human's chest, that gorilla was going to rip his arms off with absolutely no effort.

[–] vordalack@lemm.ee 15 points 2 days ago

The gorilla will use his insides as an Onahole when he's finished with him.

[–] snitchMustDie@lemmy.cafe 5 points 1 day ago

I've been trained in gorilla warfare

[–] finitebanjo@lemmy.world 25 points 2 days ago (4 children)

Gorrillas weigh between 219 and 600 lbs

According to Guiness World Records they can lift 1800 lbs.

They have an arm span of over 8 ft.

Feel free to try it but spend some time putting your estate on order, first.

[–] Jankatarch@lemmy.world 8 points 2 days ago

Don't forget the bite force. Monkeys bite.

[–] Akasazh@feddit.nl 4 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Assuming Anon has an estate to put in order... smh my head.

[–] Blackmist@feddit.uk 4 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

Look, Jim-Bob needs to know whether he's getting the contents of that trailer or not.

[–] Maiq@lemy.lol 8 points 2 days ago

An orangutan could grab a man by his feet and head and tear him in half, honestly i kind of doubt that the biggest most well trained man could even take on a chimpanzee and win without a weapon.

[–] dejected_warp_core@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

they can lift 1800 lbs.

For a real-world comparison, ever try to move someone that's passed out? That's probably in the ballpark of 200lbs.

Now imagine lifting six people at once.

Current world records for a deadlift top out just shy of 1200 lbs.

Feel free to try it but spend some time putting your estate on order, first.

OP is definitely going to need a beefy insurance policy, a last will, and a pre-ordered coffin. Maybe they get ahead of the game and just give someone full power of attorney the day before. Assuming they stay in one piece, it's possible that they could survive, but they're going to need a new skeleton and a few vital organs to pull that off.

[–] ininewcrow@lemmy.ca 227 points 3 days ago (6 children)
[–] some_dude@lemm.ee 43 points 3 days ago (3 children)

Wouldn't it be a "bear naked choke"?

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[–] andybytes@programming.dev 19 points 2 days ago

Why bother fight a gorilla. Just cut the forest down and polute his environment. Steal his children put them in a zoo. Cut off his hands then and turn them into ash trays. We have already dominated the natural world now we are working on dominating future generations.

[–] franklinovitch@lemmy.world 98 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (2 children)

"reflexes similar to my speed"

Haha this is a classic French copypasta which is 20 years old and has just been translated by anon.

It is even cited in the French "copypasta" Wikipedia article in the examples section: https://fr.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Copypasta

TL;DR: French and fake and gay

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[–] BlanketGuy@lemm.ee 16 points 2 days ago

I say let him. We really don't need people like this anyway.

[–] ZMoney@lemmy.world 121 points 3 days ago (4 children)

I recently saw a gorilla skull. Note how small the brain is and how much extra bone there is to protect it. Punching this would hurt you more than the gorilla.

[–] southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 73 points 3 days ago (1 children)

That was essentially what I was going to comment.

You punch a skull like that, you're breaking knuckles. It happens vs other humans as it is, no way do you punch a gorilla in the face and do even the same amount of damage your hand takes. You're sure as hell not knocking it out.

As entertainment, the idea is awesome, because I can imagine this relatively small guy squaring up against a silverback, all confident and executing the footwork perfectly, throwing a right hook just as hard as he can, and then there's a spray of blood from his hand, followed by the gorilla turning him into steak tartare in a minute or less.

Has dude never been to a zoo that has gorillas? Back in my prime, I would have been a heavyweight, and I feel like a damn twig next to a gorilla, no matter how much height I have on one. And I've never been that close to one. Seeing them twelve feet away was intimidating as hell.

[–] Gradually_Adjusting@lemmy.world 42 points 3 days ago (4 children)

They're fearsome in a fight, but even more admirably, they don't take themselves that seriously

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HmuTqe9s88

Worth it to watch even for the first couple minutes to hear the sound

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[–] modeler@lemmy.world 37 points 3 days ago (6 children)

You see those fin-like bones that rise up from the skull? All of that is filled with the muscle that closes the jaw - technically the purpose of these bones is for the muscle to attach to. One bite will slice and crush anything of you that is in his mouth.

Oh, and humans lack a type of fast-twitch muscle fibre that gorillas (and pretty much all non-human mammals) have. This makes their muscles a lot more powerful than ours, no matter what training you do. They will tire faster, but thats probably only during the stomp-on-your-bloody-remains part of the fight.

Oh, and their reaction speed is also faster.

Basically, you have zero chance going mano a mano with a gorilla.

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[–] Tiger666@lemmy.ca 49 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (2 children)

Mike Tyson, in his prime, wanted to fight a gorilla. Mike Tyson was told he would be killed and backed down.

[–] Skullgrid@lemmy.world 23 points 2 days ago (3 children)

nah but anon is built different

[–] KinglyWeevil@lemmy.dbzer0.com 17 points 2 days ago (17 children)

If not for the ethics on the side of the gorilla in terms of making them fight a human, I legitimately do think we should let every single person who thinks they can 1v1 them try. Idiocy of this level voluntarily removing itself from the gene pool is a net good for the species.

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[–] Nomad@infosec.pub 123 points 3 days ago (3 children)

Someone listens to Andrew Tate a little too much.

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[–] BigBenis@lemmy.world 16 points 2 days ago (2 children)

This made me think of that time my partner's brother told me in complete earnest that he'd be able to jump off a skateboard going 20+ mph and run it out based solely off the fact that the fastest recorded human running speed is 28 mph and therefore he, an average fit 20 y.o. should be able to achieve 75% of that.

[–] funkless_eck@sh.itjust.works 10 points 2 days ago (3 children)

running at 12mph on a treadmill is scary and fucking exhausting.

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[–] ryathal@sh.itjust.works 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)

In his defense, you only have to run at 20mph for about a step as you'd be slowing down pretty fast.

[–] Blackmist@feddit.uk 5 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Your torso and face certainly make for an effective, if slightly messy, brake.

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[–] Blackmist@feddit.uk 34 points 2 days ago (20 children)

Apparently gorillas are about 5 times stronger than a chimp, and I've seen what a chimp can do to a person.

Gorillas mostly leave people alone because they don't find us the slightest bit threatening.

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[–] mavu@discuss.tchncs.de 17 points 2 days ago

if it wasn't so unethical towards the animals, i would love to let those people go for it.

Could only improve the human gene pool.

[–] Jiggle_Physics@sh.itjust.works 21 points 2 days ago (4 children)

I'd fight a gorilla, and win.

It would be a gun fight, from a distance, but a fight none-the-less, and I guarantee you, I know how to shoot better than a gorilla.

[–] ohshit604@sh.itjust.works 8 points 2 days ago

I know how to shoot better than a gorilla.

Insert Planet of the Apes intro.

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[–] Jankatarch@lemmy.world 6 points 2 days ago

What's gorilla gonna do? Bite him?

[–] DaddleDew@lemmy.world 77 points 3 days ago (2 children)

Imagine a toddler who thinks they can beat up you, a grown adult because it learned some karate. That's how threatening you are to a gorilla.

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[–] matlag@sh.itjust.works 13 points 2 days ago

Your best chance to kill a gorilla in a fight is probably to move so much air around him that he catches a f*cking cold and dies from it. If you don't actually touch him you may even have a non-0 survival chance as he ignores you.

[–] Fizz@lemmy.nz 37 points 2 days ago (2 children)

No way someone who trains mma and boxing would say "just dodge his attacks". This aint anime bro you're going to get hit

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[–] selokichtli@lemmy.ml 22 points 2 days ago

Gorillas' bones and muscles are way beyond anything this guy could ever experience in his 7 years of fighting idiots. I say idiots because they fight for money and fame, not for survival as a gorilla would. Jesus, their butt probably has more muscle mass than this guy's whole body. BTW, no homo.

[–] RedditIsDeddit@lemmy.world 13 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

The gorilla will rip his arms off and beat him to death with them before he even attempts to dodge it.

[–] drunkpostdisaster@lemmy.world 9 points 2 days ago (2 children)

That would be how to do it. Humans have pretty good endurance as far as animals go. And gorrilas have pretty terrible punching technique and waste a lot of energy on those shitty downward over head swings that are pretty telegraphed.

My money will still be on the gorilla though unless you ad a few more people

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[–] Saledovil@sh.itjust.works 40 points 3 days ago (33 children)

I have this theory that with proper technique, you can beat anything you can lift in a fight. That being said, Gorillas are too heavy to lift. Conversely, you'll likely have extreme difficulty fighting anything that's too heavy for you to lift. Anything with natural weapons, like sharp teeth, this rule of thumb likely also doesn't apply to. Anything larger than a cat should be considered dangerous by default.

[–] Anamnesis@lemmy.world 40 points 3 days ago (6 children)

Even cats will fuck you up if they really intend to.

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[–] Hugin@lemmy.world 13 points 2 days ago (2 children)

I got dunk and decide I could beat a brick wall in a fist fight once.

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