this post was submitted on 06 Sep 2024
314 points (98.5% liked)

Not The Onion

12431 readers
442 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Comments must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
all 47 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] piefedderatedd@piefed.social 107 points 2 months ago (1 children)

The cat sitter told Knight that Ted had just walked through the catflap. “I didn’t believe it at first,” Knight said. “I had to get her to FaceTime me live so that I could see that Ted was actually alive.”

Knight soon realised she had paid £130 to cremate someone else’s cat. When she later went to collect the ashes, she saw the urn had been labelled “Not Dead Ted”.

[–] SolarMonkey@slrpnk.net 20 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Sounds like a really good reason not to let an animal you care about roam town on their own..

But what do I know.

(Kitty convict project represent!)

[–] corsicanguppy@lemmy.ca 1 points 2 months ago

Never-outdoor cats live 4 times as long and aren't absolute killing machines for songbirds the entire time.

If you hate mosquitoes, get your friends to keep their cats at home.

[–] Sundial@lemm.ee 90 points 2 months ago (1 children)
[–] FunderPants@lemmy.ca 26 points 2 months ago (1 children)
[–] Letstakealook@lemm.ee 14 points 2 months ago (2 children)
[–] FunderPants@lemmy.ca 6 points 2 months ago
[–] snausagesinablanket@lemmy.world 3 points 2 months ago

I have arrived MFR

[–] Rolando@lemmy.world 84 points 2 months ago (2 children)

[12] And on the third day, Ted rose from the ashes.

[13] And there was a great consternation and much amazement among the humans as Ted did walk among them, proclaiming with meows and with postures:

[14] "Where is my food, Cecil and Emily? For until a cat has decided to leave, they should still be considered among you."

The Book of Ted, Chapter 9 Verses 12-14.

[–] superkret@feddit.org 19 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I'm a devout believer, now.

[–] YerbaYerba@lemm.ee 13 points 2 months ago

s/now/meow/g

[–] CeruleanRuin@lemmings.world 4 points 2 months ago

Now please turn to song 146 in your hymnals, The Cat Cameth Back.

[–] superkret@feddit.org 47 points 2 months ago

Story time:
One day, the organisation handling pet registration in my country called me up. The person on the phone clearly tried to put on their most compassionate voice when they told me my cat was unfortunately found dead, run over by a car.
Luckily, my cat was chilling in my lap in that very moment, or I would have freaked out.

Turns out, there was a switch-up with the registration number of another cat.
I cleared it up with them, but 4 weeks later I still received a letter asking how I'm doing with the loss of my companion and if I might consider adopting another cat.

I never did find out if the owners of the cat that got run over were ever informed.

[–] oce@jlai.lu 42 points 2 months ago

He just consumed one life, plenty more left.

[–] just_chill@jlai.lu 40 points 2 months ago (1 children)

The came back, the very next day, the cat came back... 🎶🎵🎶

[–] kuadhual@lemm.ee 7 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Now i can't get the song out of my head.

[–] just_chill@jlai.lu 1 points 2 months ago (1 children)

😁 you're welcome. I can't believe no one else did it before me, that was my first thought.

[–] raynethackery@lemmy.world 1 points 2 months ago

The came back, the very next day, the cat came back

This my favorite version. https://youtu.be/ltlPINPn8UU?si=_FdIeudctRQMcCdh

[–] Fiivemacs@lemmy.ca 24 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Moral of the story, leash your cats if they go outside. Don't be a neglectful pet owner

[–] OhStopYellingAtMe@lemmy.world 19 points 2 months ago
[–] cheese_greater@lemmy.world 17 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Cats do not abide by the laws of physics (or man)

[–] Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world 10 points 2 months ago

Such a cat thing to do....

[–] Vent@lemm.ee 9 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Life hack: when your cat dies, instead of paying for a funeral, wait for your neighbor to go on vacation, kidnap their cat, and tell them their cat died instead! They'll pay for the funeral, and a few days later you can release their cat so no harm's done.

[–] tal@lemmy.today 4 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (2 children)

Bonus: your neighbor's cat, who is oblivious to the economic aspect to all this, gets showered with pets and treats, and your neighbor gains a new appreciation and enjoyment of their cat.

[–] Vent@lemm.ee 5 points 2 months ago

This is truly an altruistic act.

[–] ivanafterall@lemmy.world 2 points 2 months ago

The gift purchases also stimulate the local economy, ultimately creating jobs. It's a win-win.

[–] ThePyroPython@lemmy.world 4 points 2 months ago
[–] MrGerrit@feddit.nl 4 points 2 months ago

Duh, it was just one of his nine lives... smh 🙄

[–] SteefLem@lemmy.world 2 points 2 months ago

Its jesus cat

[–] thenextguy@lemmy.world 2 points 2 months ago

Haaave you met Ted?

[–] Steamymoomilk@sh.itjust.works 1 points 2 months ago

The cat is immortal