I'm going to guess this was at 2am in the morning after a night of drinking at the local strip club. He just found himself at a table hungover, with a coffee and a plate of greasy bacon and eggs, wondering how he'd got there. Must have been a UFO portal. Couldn't possibly have been a drunken blackout. No, siree.
this post was submitted on 03 Apr 2026
227 points (99.1% liked)
Not The Onion
21092 readers
1663 users here now
Welcome
We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!
The Rules
Posts must be:
- Links to news stories from...
- ...credible sources, with...
- ...their original headlines, that...
- ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”
Please also avoid duplicates.
Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, ableist, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.
And that’s basically it!
founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
Don't they have mental health screening for employees at FEMA? Maybe it is time to take care of this person.
Experts? Experts of what exactly? Teleportation?
I felt like I teleported the first time I smoked weed, but I know that I didn't literally teleport.
I think we should take it seriously. He clearly has Dissociative Identity Disorder. He needs to be hospitalized for his own well-being until we sort it all out.
We must assemble an panel of experts to discuss on the evening news. Both sides have legitimacy that must be explored. The segment must end inconclusively leaving it to you, the viewer, to decide on if the head of FEMA was teleported for a Waffle House against his will or if he was blackout drunk.
I teleported 15 blocks a month ago at 2am. I was leaving a bar, things go dark and I'm at a bus stop a mile away. The trippy thing was that no buses were running atm. I ordered the cheapest uber of my life and got back home.
I wonder if he having some sort of seizures. I saw an episode of scrubs were it was non apparent when it was happening but they regain consciousness and are confused.
NYT is dubious too if with all their resources this is the editorial choices they make...and the standard they set...
The sad thing here is the real underpinning: Guy had a fugue, which can be super alarming, and rather than contact his doctor or a doctor or, you know, even asking an AI, he decided he teleported and then decided to go public with that info. Now I hope someone talks to him. Transient fugue states can be normal and harmless but this can be a sign of something more serious, like epilepsy or brain changes. But also please someone fire him quickly.
…When mentally ill people are put in charge of the nation’s government…
All according to plan
First, who the fuck is an expert on teleporting to Waffle House?
Second, why the fuck are the experts "dubious" instead of incredulous or openly condescending? JFC, c'mon experts, do better!
I thought the use of "dubious" was hilarious. It's quite an understatement, like, "Yeah, that may not have happened," avoiding calling him a liar directly, but conveying that it's extremely unlikely.
Who knows, they don't wanna be wrong in ruling out the impossible, because what if just a rift opened up and pulled him to waffle house. Better not wanna state facts before investigating :O
"FEMA official blacked out and came to at a Waffle House"
FTFY
waffle house has a homing beacon signal for drunk/drug addicts, they natural hone it on it.
If memory serves, he also claimed to have been driving when he teleported into a ditch 50 miles away.
Which just comes across like he was driving when he really shouldn't have been (Drunk/Tired and Emotional), and fallen asleep whilst on the road.
blacked out and came to at a Waffle House
I have a proposal to add this to the Waffle House FAQs, if they have them.
Q: I teleported to Waffle House. Am I a god? Was I abducted by aliens? Am I the most important person in history?
A: While we cannot definitively rule out any of those things, every time this has happened in the past was due to the customer blacking out and going to the only place that was open at the time. In fact, this situation accounts for a large portion of our revenue. Don't think of yourself as a pathetic brainless drunk loser. You're an important part of the economy.
You actually have to be an expert to be dubious of this?
If yes, what kind of expert?
The kind of expert Waffle House hires or feeds:
among roughly two dozen workers and regulars interviewed this week at Rome’s three Waffle House locations, none said they were aware of anyone traveling to the 24-hour restaurants by paranormal means,
That should become an SCP honestly. Just some one that randomly teleports you to waffle house or some other food related business but no one believes theres anything wrong
Reporter: "Hello, I'm from the New York Times, and I'd like to ask whether you're aware of anyone who has teleported to this Waffle House?"
Waffle House employee: Thinking "there are some real weirdos who come in here". "Uh, no."
This statement looks like it came from a redacted document from FBC headquarters. What in the Remedyverse is this?
I suspect that this story is linked to the one below somehow...
So... going with the bit here...
At what point does the SCP Foundation step in?
Because to me, this sounds like either a cousin or variant of SCP - 7819.
... Its Keter class... people are not supposed to know about this.
Who are the teleportation experts?
Teleportation experts.
Strangely after teleporting I always wake up with a headache and memory loss.
And for some reason it's always right after twenty beers
Surely that's a coincidence. If it was the beer, how come you don't teleport a little bit after 1 beer?
My logic is infallible, and by my logic we can 100% exclude that beer has anything to do with it.
The power of deduction baby. 😋
load more comments
(1 replies)
I haven't teleported since this one time where I immediately got lost and had to ask a dragon for a ride home. I woke up naked on my neighbor's porch with a tattered ribbon of red silk tied around my penis.
It's terrible what the aliens do to people after they scoop them up and before they teleport them back to Earth. There's probes and prodding and general dubious medical practices. That's probably what causes it. I've heard they use certain solvents to pacify people first though, so you might fail a breath test when you first return.
Yeah I think they are examining my head a bit too much. So much I'm sometimes also dizzy from it?!
Ah, he tried xanax.
Teleporting to a WH? Easy breezy. No problem whatsoever. It’s the teleportation outta there that I have some difficulty with.
No we’re not doing “experts are dubious.”
We’re at “society is sick of this shit go away asshole,” and have been for some time now.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Understatement
Understatement is an expression of lesser strength than what the speaker or writer actually means or than what is normally expected. It is the opposite of embellishment or exaggeration, and is used for emphasis, irony, hedging, or humor.
Understatement also merges the comic with the ironic, as in Mark Twain's comment, "The report of my death was an exaggeration."
Your average American is not intelligent enough to decipher the clever wordsmithing of the average journalist.
In an age where sensationalistic headlines are the norm, an understated headline can seem to lend credibility to the absurd.
This is not a problem, though. I enjoy eating popcorn and watching the world burn.
"Experts are dubious" ok that's sorta funny, but it's too bad this is such a serious position being held by a blackout Christian drunk.
Generally speaking, wtf?!
Oh, come on. It's late at night, you're really craving some mouthwatering chicken-fried steak and syrup-drenched waffle. You find yourself falling deeper and deeper into the mental image, and then suddenly you feel the world twisting around you and a sharp dropping sensation and, bam, there you are, in a booth at Waffle House. We've all been there, at one point or another.
Sober‽
No, but admitting you you're an alcoholic is lame, whats cool is developing a cover story and the believing in it so hard that you genuinely believe, and espouse, for years, that a supernatural phenomenon has occured, and this this is really super serious guys come on why don't you believe me?!?!?!
Just making sure I'm on the same page. Also alcoholics go to meetings.
Well we're gonna need a support group for those who suffer from inexplicable spontaneous wafflehouse teleportation.
Gregg Phillips, who is in charge of responding to fires and floods, says...
Well, I feel safe in knowing that my life and property is in secure and competent hands 🫤
I'm dubious, does that make me an expert? Can I start getting the expert checks?
Experts are dubious that he teleported to Waffle House. CNN investigation reveals it was really an IHOP.
view more: next ›